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BILLS 


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BISCUITS AND BILLS 


SI ConieDp in <&ne Slct 


BY 

O. B. DuBOIS 

AUTHOR OF “A NIGHT IN TAPPAN.” 


Copyright, 1911 , by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 


BISCUITS AND BILLS 


CHARACTERS. 


| 



Jack Maynard 
Mrs. Maynard 
Mr. Brainard. 
Hall Boy 


The Husband 
...The Wife 
. .The Father 


Time of Playing.—A bout one hour. 

COSTUMES. 

Jack Maynard. Business suit, four-in-hand tie, glasses, 
cane, gloves, derby hat. 

Mrs. Maynard. House dress, large hat with feathers, 
gloves. 

Mr. Brainard. Business suit, silk hat, overcoat and cane. 
Carries two or three small vials in his vest pocket. Wears 
glasses. Has check-book in his pocket. 

Hall Boy. Page’s suit. 

PROPERTIES. 

Shaving cup and brush, dull razor, towels, eye-glasses, 
traveling bag, dress suit case, several large paper parcels, a 
number of dresses, etc., kitchen apron, large wooden bowl 
with dough in it, wooden spoon, three baking powder boxes, 
bell (off stage), bills, newspapers, writing material, letter in 
mourning envelope, towel in one of the side-board drawers. 
Two photos on easels for center table. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience. 
r. means right; l., left; c., center; r. c., right of center; l. c., 
left of center; c. e., center door; l. e., left door; r. e., right 
door. 

a 

T MP96-QQ72Q5 


©CLD 23878 






BISCUITS AND BILLS. 


SCENE. — Dining-room of the Maynard flat with doors c., L. 
and r. Large table in center with two photographs on 
easels. Side-hoard up l. Telephone down r. against 
flat. Shaving table and chair back of it down r. Easy 
chair and couch with six cushions down l. DIS¬ 
COVERED at rise of curtain, Mr. Jack Maynard in 
coat sleeves, without collar, seated at small table, shaving. 
Mrs. Maynard examining her hat, holding it at a distance 
and re-arranging the feathers. 

Mrs. Maynard. My father always shaved in the bath-room. 

Jack Maynard (awkwardly trying to shave left side of face 
with right hand). Your mother never used your father’s 
bath-room for a storage ware-house. 

Mrs. M. ( trying on hat in front of side-board) . It was 
not necessary in my father’s home. You have probably 
forgotten that I came from a very luxurious home. 

Jack. And you have probably forgotten that your father 
commenced housekeeping in two rooms for which he paid ten 
dollars a month, and that’s the way my Uncle Henry com¬ 
menced too. 

Mrs. M. That is what our wash-woman pays. There are 
seven negro tenants in the house. Shall I engage rooms 
there? (Bell rings off stage.) There is our groceryman and 
I am ashamed to meet him. His bill has not been paid in 
three weeks. [EXIT c. E. 

Jack (wiping lather from his face. lie partially buttons 
on collar, allowing free end of four-in-hand tie to hang loose). 
ITm! Times must have changed. Why, I have treasured 
that argument about papa’s early start for weeks, waiting an 
opportune moment to present it—the moment arrives—I 
present it—Biff! Bang! Argument is busted! (Walks.) 
Something wrong, I know that—good salary —debts—bills—- 

3 



4 


Biscuits and Bills. 


duns—weeping wife—oh, there is something wrong. Now, if 
Uncle Henry had only— Well, what’s the use, he’ll live 
twenty years longer I suppose. (Sighs). ENTER Mrs. 
Maynard c. e. She lays the grocery bill on the shaving table, 
while Jack adjusts his collar.) I say—er—how much do we 
owe—this—er—ah—blooming—grocer ? 

Mrs. M. (sharply). Twenty-four dollars and thirty cents, 
and the last time he was paid, it was with the money mama 
gave me when she was here. 

Jack (throws himself in easy chair and takes up news¬ 
paper). When is—er—mother coming again? 

Mrs. M. She suggested that I drop her a line right after 
we had settled up with our tradesmen. 

Jack (emphatically) . Well anyway, I paid the laundry bill 
last week. 

Mrs. M. It’s all right and I’m glad you did it, but please 
don’t become festive about it because I have the bill right 
here. (Holds it up.) Twelve cents! And here is another 
one—cigars, nine dollars! 

Jack. Well, I’m thinking about being economical all the 
time, 7 am, and I’m going to change several things around 
here. Things have got to be reduced. 

Mrs. M. Where do you expect to start in? 

Jack. I’m going to cut that laundry bill down next week, 
for one thing. 

Mrs. M. (placing another bill on the table). The milk man 
was here this morning and wants his money. 

Jack (giving close attention to his paper). Much? 

Mrs. M. About thirteen dollars. 

Jack (starting from his chair). What! Have we been 
buying a cow? 

Mrs. M. (places another bill on table). And the gas bill 
is running up something awful. 

Jack. That is the only bill we can make light of —hey? 

Mrs. M. Oh, you can evade the situation if you want to, 
but I am crushed, mortified, discouraged, when I think of the 
wardrobe I had before marrying you. Why, I am the laugh¬ 
ing stock of the block. 

Jack. Stock of the block! Ha, Ha, (Falsetto laugh.) 
That rhymes. 

Mrs. M. (growing excited). I am the most forlorn looking 
woman in this neighborhood. I am frompy, shabby, dowdy— 

Jack (rising). Hold on, say that again. 

Mrs. M. (turning her back to him). No, I won’t. 




Biscuits and Bills. 


5 


Jack. Well—er—if I understood you correctly—you said 
you were dowdy. 

Mrs. M. ( defiantly ). Yes, dowdy, dowdy, dowdy, dowdy. 

Jack ( hand to face, thoughtfully). Well, by George, I 
never thought of it before but I guess you are right, you said 
dowdy? 

Mrs. M. Yes, I said dowdy, and I am. But pray tell me 
do you know the meaning of the word dowdy? 

Jack ( after a pause). Who? Me? 

Mrs. M. Yes, you. 

Jack. Certainly, I do. 

Mrs. M. Well, what is it? 

Jack ( seating himself again at shaving table). Fat. 

Mrs. M. ( shaking him in her wrath). How dare you tell 
me that I am becoming stout. Isn’t it enough that I must 
dress like a fright, and look like a—a—a- 

Jack ( arms folded on table in front of him). Dowdy! 

Mrs. M. ( very much excited). I want you to understand, 
Jack Maynard, that I do not have to put up with your insults. 
If I should tell mama of your cruel cutting remarks, do you 
suppose I would have to live here? No! Mama would say 
“ Come home as quickly as you can, dearie.” That’s what 
mama would say. 

Jack ( polishing his eyeglasses and holding them up to the 
light as he leans bach in his chair). Would you go? 

Mrs. M. ( shaking her finger in his face). In a minute, 
Jack Maynard. 

Jack ( tipping bach his chair and adjusting his glasses). 
Then why not run along and tell mama now? 

Mrs. M. ( trying to be very dignified and impressive). 
When I leave this place to go home, I shall never return— 
remember that, sir, never. 

Jack ( glancing at her from the corners of his eyes). Er—* 
ah —heavenly home or mama’s? 

Mrs. M. ( walking about, very excitedly). Say it—Say it 
—say that you wish I were dead. I know you do—but let 
me tell you this, Jack Maynrad, I intend to live—live just to 
spite you. 

Jack. Oh, don’t consider me. 

Mrs. M. Say just one word more and I will go now—just 
one word. 

Jack. Dowdy! 

Mrs. M. {hysterically). Oh, I am through with you, Jack 
Maynard. ( Puts on her hat wrong side foremost, feathers 



o 


Biscuits and Bills. 


dangling in her eyes.) I have stood what no mortal woman 
would stand, and mama shall know of this at once. We shall 
see, Mr. Maynard, we shall see. (Goes to telephone and com¬ 
mences to talk into the receiver instead of the transmitter. 
Jack goes to chair l. and places one foot upon it.) Hello 
Central, give me mama’s. No, excuse me. (To Jack.) Oh, 
you can laugh, sir! (In receiver.) Hello Central, give me 
348 L—Hello! Why don’t you answer me? (Very angrily.) 
I shall report your inattention, young lady. How dare you 
talk back to me, Miss! How dare you ? (Hangs up 
receiver.) No, I will not mortify myself this way. I will 
not demean myself to this extent in your presence. 

[EXIT l. e. 

Jack (goes to telephone, imitating his wife's voice). Give 
me mama’s. (Suppressed laughter.) Hello, Central! (In 
transmitter.) Give me 348 L. Is this my dear father-in- 
law? This is Jack. Say Dad, can you come over ? What’s 
the matter? Oh nothing, except that the roof is off— the 
boiler is busted—the pipes are frozen—tires all punctured, 
and the gasoline tank is empty. (Noise of furniture being 
tossed about by Mrs. Maynard off stage. An empty traveling 
bag is thrown by her to the center of stage from l. e. It is 
followed by a large paper parcel.) Tornado coming now. 
Good-bye, Dad. (Hangs up receiver.) 

ENTER Mrs. Maynard l. e. She is wildly excited, drags an 
open dress suit case and has an armful of feminine wear¬ 
ing apparel. She deposits the suit case on edge of table 
and thrusts the garments in, without order; suit case falls 
to floor several times. 

Jack (hands behind his back). Going so soon? 

Mrs. M. I cannot get away from here quickly enough. 

J ack. Then you take away everything that belongs to you, 
because I will not be responsible for anything you leave 
behind. 

Mrs. M. Brute! 

Jack. Silly—Ninny. 

Mrs. M. (drawing on gloves). Oh, if people only knew 
what a hard man you are! 

Jack. That’s all right, you take all your stuff with you. 

Mrs. M. How can I take my piano? 

Jack. Since you ask my advice, I suggest a truck. But 
t say, sit down, there are a number of things we will have to fix 


Biscuits and Bills. 


7 


Up. How about that combination book-case and writing desk, 
half of that belongs to me, how about it? 

Mrs. M. Well, since you ask my advice, I suggest an axe. 

Jack ( one each side of large table. Jack pounds on table). 
Look here young lady, this matter is far more serious than 
you imagine. I will give you one more chance; tell me you 
are sorry, and he will commence all over. 

Mrs. M. ( adjusting button on gloves). Me? Me? Sorry? 
(Laughs.) I am not sorry, I am very happy. (Sings.) 

Jack. Very well, then call in your truckman. (Takes a 
picture from table.) Here is a photograph taken just before 
we were married, we were holding hands—do you want it? 
Mrs. M. No. 

Jack. All right, on the junk pile for that. (He scales it- 
to the rear.) 

Mrs. M. (picks it up and brushes it off). How dare you 
throw away .that picture ? 

Jack. Here is a picture of your cousin Gertie and myself 
taken at Alantic City. I want that. (Puts it in his pocket.) 

Mrs. M. (sarcastically). Cousin Gertie! Goodness, she 
tried hard enough to get you. (With spirit.) But she 
didn’t. (Telephone rings. Jack answers.) 

Jack (at phone). Hello, Yes, Oh, is that you Billy? You 
are at the club? Certainly, I will come over. (Laughs 
boisterously). You did not think I would leave my happy 
home? Well, you have caught me right this time. I will 
be there in about ten minutes. 

Mrs. M. (indignantly) . Do you mean to say that you are 
going over to that club house? 

Jack (putting on hat and gloves). I certainly do. 

Mrs. M. (dramatically). Then go—it is all over between 
us. 

Jack (with hand on door). Before I go, there is one thing 
I wish to say. 

Mrs. M. (stamping foot). Go now! 

Jack. But- 

Mrs. M. (seizes a cushion). Not a word with me, sir—go 
now. (Points to c. e.) 

Jack. Look here—I’m not going to allow you to- 

Mrs. M. (throwing cushion at his head). You scoundrel— 
you impudent rascal! 

Jack (who has dodged through c. e., returns). Say - 

Mrs. M. (throwing second cushion). Don’t you call me 
gay! [Jack EXITS hurriedly, c. E. 





8 


Biscuits and Bills. 


(Mrs. Maynard with cushion in each hand awaits his return 
at c. e. ENTER Jack suddenly r. e.) 

Jack. By Jove, I won’t stand- 

Mrs. M. ( throwing cushion ). Not a word from you, you 
pin-head! (EXIT Jack r. e.) You— you noodle — oh, if I 
could only think of the names I would like to call you. 
(ENTER Mr. Brainard, c. e. Mrs. Maynard thinlcing it is 
Jack, throws cushion at him, with great force.) Oh.papa, 
did I hurt you ? Oh, he is to blame for this. Oh, I did not 
mean to hurt you. I only wanted to kill Jack, and oh, papa, 
I wish I were dead. ( Throws herself in his arms.) 

Mr. Brainard. Tut, tut, little lady, this is treason. 
( Coaxingly .) Come now, sit down and tell dear old Dad 
all about it. (He gathers up the cushions and tosses them on 
the floor between the side-hoard and c. e. As he throws the 
last one Jack ENTERS c. e. and it hits him.) 

Jack ( tossing arms over his head). Help! Police! Help! 

Mr. B. What does this mean, sir? Come now, I want to 
know the worst. 

(In the following they both talk at once, Jack very 
dramatically and Mrs. Maynard very rapidly.) 

Jack. It means that the fondest dreams of my life are 
over, my ideals are shattered, and to-morrow I go forth into 
the world with no hope, no anchorage, no object in life but to 
exist. 

Mrs. M. When I think what a kind, loving, faithful, 
affectionate wife I have been to that man! When I consider 
the sacrifices I have made, the suffering, the embarrassments, 
the home I gave up, the friends I left behind—Oh, it is too 
much! 

Mr. B. Hold on now, wait a minute—wait a minute— 
what is this? A Chinese kindergarten? Now then, one at a 
time. (They commence again, both talking at once.) 

Mrs. M. He has no respect whatever for me or my family. 
If you could have heard him making fun of your early 
struggles in life, and- 

Jack. Not one man in a thousand would have stood for 
what I have. I have given up my club, given up smoking, 
given up inviting my friends here— (Mr. Brainard 
hurriedly takes him by the arm and leads him to r. e. Jack 
resisting.) Given up— Say hold on, I want to talk. Given 
up—stop, I tell you—why I have even given up— (Mr. 
Brainard thrusts him through r. e.) 



Biscuits and Bills. 


9 


Mr. B. I'll give it up myself in a minute if I can't keep 
these turtle doves apart. Now, young lady, let me hear your 
tale of woa Then I will put you out of the room, and listen 
to his awful story. 

Mrs. M. Oh, papa, I have tried hard to please that man. 
I have slaved, and toiled, planned, and—and suffered, and— 
and suffered, and everything. 

Mr. B. I see—I see. (Pause.) I have just one question 
to ask you. How do you feed him ? 

Mrs. M. (sarcastically) . Why, I sterilize all his milk and 
am very very particular about keeping his bottle clean. 

Mr. B. Kindly eliminate all sarcasm and answer my 
question. Do you supply him with good wholesome food? 

Mrs. M. (sulkily). He never complains. (Aside, and 
doubling up her fist so that her father does not see.) Oh, if 
he ever dared to complain. 

Mr. B. Look here, you headstrong little silly, you think 
you know it all, and by George, you have missed the very 
first thing of importance. Don’t you know that the best man 
who ever lived cannot tell the difference between sentiment 
and a full stomach? Now see what a sentimental man I— 
no—no—I mean see what a good cook your mother is. Can 
you cook as well as your mother? That’s the question. 

Mrs. M. (with spirit). You have hurt my feelings very 
much by asking that question; for while I am not by any 
means as good a housekeeper as mama, yet I can assure you 
that her instructions have not been wasted on me. I will now 
give you an opportunity to converse with that poor, hungry, 
half starved gentleman in the other room. (Takes position 
near l. e. and pauses.) 

Mr. B. Now wait a minute, come back here. I want to 
get this thing adjusted so that you will both be satisfied. 

Mrs. M. (dramatically ). There is nothing under the blue 
canopy of Heaven but a divorce or a separation that will ever 
satisfy me. [EXIT l. e. 

Mr. B. (silently gazes at L. e., then places hands in trouser 
pockets and faces audience). I’m a fool, that’s what I am. 
I ought to be chained up nights. What I need is a messenger 
boy who will lead me around so that I won’t get hit with the 
cars. (Walks to shaving table.) I wonder how this domestic 
row started anyway. (Picks up one of the bills.) Hello, this 
is a grocery bill—now that daughter dear of mine became 
very touchy on the question of food supplies. I wonder what 
she orders from the grocery man? (Puts on glasses.) 



10 


Biscuits and Bills. 


Pickled pig’s feet, pickled Bismark herrings, pickled eels, Dill 
pickles, and pickles. Now wouldn’t that give a man yellow 
jaundice? ( Continues reading.) Liver wurst, head cheese, 
hand kase, schmier kase—hm— ( Drops the hill, turns away 

and daintily wipes his fingers on his handkerchief.) Every¬ 
thing on this bill is either canned, or pressed, or pickled. 
Think of a man who goes to a picnic every time he sits down 
to a meal. I guess the only thing under the blue canopy of 
Heaven that will satify him is a square meal. ( Sits down at 
table and takes out check book.) Well, it is a good thing that 
I have some cash in pickle, because I have got to pay these 
bills I suppose—but this is a sour pickle for me all right. 
( Lays check on the bills.) I will now listen to the troubles 
of my dear son-in-law. ( Position near r. e.) But what is 
the use of listening to a man with a delicatessen liver? By 
Jove, I will take them both around to the house for dinner. 
I will find out what that blessed wife of mine intends to have 
to-night. ( At f phone.) Hello, Central! 348 L please. 
{Pause.) Hello, is that you, Harriet? This is John—say, 
what are you going to have for dinner to-night. (Pause.) 
^es—hot biscuits and an old-fashioned meat pie? Fine! Say, 
can I bring Jack and Emma around ? All right—good—say, 
how did you correct this sweet little daughter of yours? Ha, 
ha! Spanked her! Well, excuse me! How are they? Oh 
all right, until they break out again, no nothing, like the 
measles, just a little rash, and I’ve got one locked in the 
bed-room and the other in the kitchen. (ENTER Mrs. 
Maynard l. e.) All they need here is some good old 
fashioned cooking, that’s all, good-bye. ( Hangs up receiver.) 
Hello, I thought I would fix it up to have you and Jack 
around to dinner to-night. 

Mrs. M. Mr. Maynard can do as he likes, but I shall not 
go, Mr. Brainard. 

Mr. B. Look here, young lady, I know what you need, and 
if I had your mother here you would get it. Why do you 
refuse? 

Mrs. M. I refuse because you always take his part in 
every disagreement we have, you pamper him, you coddle 
him, you baby him, and you never lose the opportunity 
to contrast my cooking with mama’s. (Pacing.) Why, I 
can cook as well as mama every day in the week, for fifty-two 
weeks in a year, I can. 

Mr. B. ( commences with suppressed laughter, holds his 
sides , stops, glances at her and commences all over. Ends by 


Biscuits and Bills. 


ll 


;placing his arms on the table before him, his head on his 
arms, convulsed with laughter). 

Mrs. M. You do not believe it? 

Mr. B. ( looking up). Who? Me? Stop making me 
laugh. (Rising.) Come, put on your things and I will call 
Jack. 

Mrs. M. I am not going! 

Mr. B. Oh yes you are. Why your mother is going to 
have hot biscuits to-night. 

Mrs. M. ( laughing boisterously). Hot biscuits! They are 
nothing to make, any woman can do it. 

Mr. B. And a fine old fashioned meat pie with a brown, 
brittle crust—ooooh! It would melt in your mouth. 

Mrs. M. ( laughing again). A meat pie! Why, it is the 
easiest thing in the world to make, I have it often. 

Mr. B. Say, little daughter, you could not get up a dinner 
like that if you tried. Why, I have looked over your grocery 
bill, and the trouble with that husband of yours is that he is 
pickled, that’s what ails him. 

Mrs. M. (flies to side-board and puts on a large bib apron). 
Oh, I have heard enough of this. He shall have his hot 
biscuits and his meat pie and you shall remain here to dinner, 
and witness the fact that I can do these things as well as 
mama. 

Mr. B. (alarmed). Hold on, your mother expects me. 

Mrs. M. (sharply). Sit down! You make me nervous. 
(Mr. Brainard collapses in chair.) To-morrow, (Points r. 
e.), that man and I may separate forever, but to-nightl will 
prove that our separation is not due to the fact that I cannot 
cook. [EXIT l. e. 

Mr. B. (pathetically). I wish I was home. (Takes a small 
vial from vest pocket and examines it.) Well, I’ve got three 
indigestion tablets left anyway. I wonder if I’ve got my 
liver pills. (Feels in pocket.) 

ENTER Jack, hurriedly, R. e. 

Jack. Say, I’m not going to stay in there all night. Why, 
where is Emma? 

Mr. B. (sadly). She has gone to get dinner. I’m invited 
and we are going to have meat pie. 

Jack. What’s that? 

Mr. B. Why its one of those brown, tempting, luscious, 
dreamy creations your dear old mother-in-law makes. 

Jack (pointing l. e.). She is going to make one? 


12 


Biscuits and Bills. 


Mr. B. Certainly, and hot biscuits. 

Jack ( sits down in big chair). I’m in the Royal Arcanum 
and I don’t want much fuss made. Just a few flowers and a 
few kind words. ( Crosses his legs and waves one foot. 
Brainard does the same. Few moments pause, and from time 
to time they glance at each other. Audible sighs, etc.) 

Mr. B. She—she—says she can cook as well as your 
mother-in-law. 

Jack ( convulsed with laughter). Stop it, I tell you, stop 
it, I’ve got a sore lip. 

Mr. B. {rising). I ought to go home. I seldom—er— 
seldom, don’t you know, stay out as late as this. {Takes 
coat and hat.) 

Jack {taking hat away from him). Soon, not yet. You 
are going to stay to the funeral. 

Mr. B. Look here, I’ve got to go home, my wife expects 
me. I’ve reached the age where my dinner at home is an 
important event. I don’t enjoy- 

Jack. Say, who expects you to get any enjoyment out of 
this? You are a mourner in this, that’s all you are. 

Mr. B. Well, I’ll just take my forty winks in the other 
room, before dinner, I always do that at home. 

Jack. Go as far as you like. [EXIT Mr. Brainard r. e. 

Jack. Huh! Not one, but two lambkins shall be laid 
upon this altar of indigestion. {Places Brainard’s hat on the 
table and takes position l. c., back to table.) The idea! 
Who’s providing the show for this mournful function. 
(ENTER Mr. Brainard r. t. He tip-toes to table, secures 
his hat and executes dumb show of great glee, as he EXITS 
r. e.) It’s me. I’ve got something to say. I’m the remains, 
anybody would imagine that I was a dead one. 

ENTER Mrs. Maynard l. e. She has a wooden mixing bowl 
in her left hand and awkwardly extends her right to 
Jack. Her right hand is covered with sticky dough. 

Mrs. M. Oh Jack! This is terrible! Oh, what shall I 
do? I’ve got it all over my hand. Oh, Jack, get a coal 
shovel or something to scrape it ofl with. 

Jack {aside). I’ll get the hook. {Aloud, and very 
dignified). Did you address your remarks to me? 

Mrs. M. Don’t, please don’t! ' Oh, I’m so nervous, I think 
I will die. (Jack holds side in his merriment and points at 
her. In her indignations she sets the bowl on table.) How 
dare you ridicule my efforts! How dare— {Plunges left 



Biscuits and Bills. 


13 


hand in the dough.) Oooooh, what have I done? Help! 
Help! ( Extends both hands helplessly.) Ooooh, I’ve put my 
other hand in. Oh, you dear sweet, darling Jack, help me. 
Oh, what a silly woman I am. Oh, papa just pushed me right 
into this awful business. Honestly he did, Jack. Oh, he 
exasperated me so, and I told him I could beat mama at cook¬ 
ing, and oh. Jack, I can’t even beat an egg. I don’t even 
know how to boil water. ( Cries and puts both hands to her 
face.) Oh, Jack, I’m blind! Help! Help! „ 

Jack ( wiping face with towel from side-board). There, 
there, don’t cry. I’ll help you—you—er—sweet little dough 
face. What can I do? 

Mrs. M. Tell me what to put in to make it raise. Some 
kind of a powder. 

Jack. Seidlitz powder. 

Mrs. M. (thoughtfully). It sounds all right. 

Jack. Wait, I’ve got it! [ Hurried EXIT l. e. 

Mrs. M. He’s so smart! I’m sure that’s it. I’m sure that 
Mama used to say something about Seidlitz powder on rising. 

ENTER Jack l. e. with two small boxes. 

Jack. I’ve got it! Here, hold this. ( Places box in right 
hand and extends her arms.) Now the other one in this 
hand. ( Same business.) Now I’ll toss up a half dollar and 
see which one. (Tosses.) Right hand. (She dumps entire 
contents in bowl.) 

Mrs. M. Oh Jack, you are so clever. What was it? 

Jack. Rochelle Salts. 

Mrs. M. How perfectly wonderful of you, Jack! Now 
hold on a minute and I will get a tablespoonful of tea. 

Jack. What for? 

Mrs. M. For the tea biscuits, of course. [EXIT l. e. 

Jack (stirring contents of bowl). Something has gone 
wrong somewhere. (Stirs slower and slower, finally stops.) 
Stuck! (Takes box to light, goes back and examines contents 
of bowl, drops box.) By Jove! It is plaster of Paris! I 
wonder what I am, a brick layer or baker? Am I making 
statuary or biscuit dough? 

ENTER Mrs. Maynard l. e. 

Mrs. M. Oolong or mixed tea ? 

Jack. How long have I mixed it? I mixed it till it was 
nix on the mix. Look it over yourself, it resembles a frozen 
mustard plaster. (Sits at small table.) Well, we have got 


Biscuits and Bills. 


14 

to think up something now. Just take a peep into the other 
room and see how papa sleeps. We may have to chloroform 
him before we get through. 

Mrs. M. ( opens door r. e.). He’s gone! 

Jack. Gone! Well, what do you think of a man who will 
bust up a funeral! 

Mrs. M. Sir! I demand an explanation. 

Jack ( floundering ). I said—ah—a—fun-all, that’s it, a 
fun-all, from an old Dutch word, see? Fun—having fun. 
All—er—that is, all having fun. See—fun-all, fun-all, fun- 
all. He busts up a fun-all. ( Sees check on the hills.) 
What’s this? A check! {Examines the hills.) The bills all 
paid and fifty dollars over! Hurrah! Fifty dollars to 
spend! Press the button. Call the hall boy. 

Mrs. M. ( presses button near c. e.). Oh, this is beyond my 
fondest hopes! Fifty dollars! 

ENTER HALL BOY c. E. 

Jack. Here boy, go to the janitor at once and tell him 
that we desire to move into the large seventy-five dollar apart¬ 
ment on the first of the month. These rooms are too small 
and mean for us. (EXIT hall boy, c. e. To Mrs. May¬ 
nard.) Now, sweetness, what do you want? 

Mrs. M. I want a new Spring suit with- 

Jack. That reminds me—I need a new suit. ( Hurriedly 
writes and thrusts letter in envelope.) Dear Tailor, duplicate 
my suit of last Spring. Press the button, love, quick. 
(ENTEK hall boy, c. e.) Mail this at once. Half dollar 
for a stamp, keep the change. (EXIT hall boy, c. e. To 
Mrs. Maynard). Now, sweetness, what do you want? 

Mrs. M. A new Spring suit, a new hat- 

Jack. By Jove, that’s what I need, a new silk hat. 
(Calls.) Boy! Ho, boy! (ENTER hall boy, c. e. Dashes 
off second letter.) Post this, boy. (EXIT hall boy, c. e. 
To Mrs. Maynard). Now, sweetness, what do you want? 

Mrs. M. I want a new Spring suit, a new hat, a new pair 
of shoes- 

Jack. Ho, boy! (ENTER hall boy, c. e.) Take this to 
the shoe store on the corner. ( Writes.) Dear Jim, send up 
one pair of patent leather pumps, one pair of tan shoes, and 
one pair of French calf walking shoes. Hurry, boy! (EXIT 
hall boy, c. e. To Mrs. Maynard). Now sweetness- 

Mrs. M. Say, where do I come in? All I have heard is 
“Now, sweetness! Now, sweetness! Now, sweetness!” 






Biscuits and Bills. 15 

Jack. Well, that’s all right. You haven’t soured on this 
thing, have you? 

Mrs. M. In the last three minutes you have spent three 
times the amount of fifty dollars. 

Jack. By Jove, I never counted it up! Say, you should 
have held me back on this. ( Walks to 'position behind center 
table.} 

Mrs. M. (position lower left of stage. Turns her bach to 
him indignantly) . Me? 

Jack ( standing between center table and c. e.). That’s 
exactly what I said. You—you—you— ( Floundering .) 

I’m—you see—I’m altogether too liberal with you on money 
matters, I am. (ENTER hall boy, with letter, taps Jack on 
shoulder with it. Jack does not notice him.) I’d spend 
every cent I made on you, I would—that’s my trouble. (Hall 
boy repeats business as above. Maynard, with hands behind 
him, assumes thoughtful pose and faces side-board. Hall 
boy quietly places letter in Maynard’s right-hand.) 

TEXIT HALL BOY, C. E. 

Mrs. M. (turning). Jack Maynard! The very hour and 
minute of our separation has come! 

Jack (advancing and bringing his right hand forward to 
point at her in his wrath). Not one single word from you, 
you ungrateful— (Sees the letter and pauses to examine it in 
great wonder .) What’s this? ( Hoarse whisper.) A letter 
in a mourning envelope! (Both, center stage. He tears it 
open.) Uncle Henry is dead! This is awful! (Reads.) 
“ Mr. Maynard, dear sir:—The sad duty of informing you of 
your uncle’s death devolves upon me.” (Both stop and tahe 
out their handherchief. Crying.) Poor, dear, kind, lovable 
old Uncle Henry! Oh, this is very sad! 

Mrs. M. (crying). Dear Uncle Henry! Kind Uncle 
Henry! 

Jack (turning over page, continues to read). “For a 
number of years we all supposed that he intended to leave his 
property to you, but he has willed it all to your cousin Willie.” 
(Crushes the letter and folds his arms.) Well, what do you 
think of Uncle Henry for a stingy old miser! 

Mrs. M. Oh Jack, how contemptible! I never did like 
him very much anyway, did I? It just shows how near 
right I always am when I depend upon my intuition. 

Jack (who has been slowly straightening out the crumpled 
letter, turns it over and reads the last page). However, it 
pleases me to inform you that all of his stocks, bonds, cash, 


x6 


Biscuits and Bills. 


etc. have been left to you. ( Crying again.) Poor, dear, 
kind, lovable Uncle Ilenry! Oh, this is sad! 

Mrs. M. {loud, wailing voice). Oooooh dear, kind Uncle 
Henry. We will never see him again. ( Repeating the above, 
they commence to waltz about the stage.) 


CURTAIN. 





MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. F. 

BY THE ENEMY’S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours.10 4 

EDWARDS, TIIE SPY. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours. 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; hours . 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours. 9 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting. 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 


RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours. 9 3 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 8 4 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2*^ hours; 1 Stage Setting .. . 7 4 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 6 4 

SQUIRE TIIOMPKINS’ DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours 5 2 

WHEN A MAN’S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 4 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; lhour... 6 3 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 


ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH’S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene. 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS’ REUNION. 1 Scene. 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; \y z hours. 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour. 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours. 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 134 hours. 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY. 8 11 

|| JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation. 11 

$ CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes. 15 14 

. 8 

1 Act; hours. 1 13 

15 cents). 11 8 

One copy del. to Cat. Div. 18 Ann Street , N . Y . 


APB 8 1911 



























LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 





0 016 215 054 


COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 


BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acte; 2 horns. 

BUTTERNUT’S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2}4 hours. 

COLLEGE CIIUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting.... 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours. 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes. 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours. 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2^ hours. 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; 1% hours..., 

JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours. 

JOSIAll’S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours. 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2% hours. 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2^ hours. 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 

PHYLLIS’S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 

ROGUE’S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 

SQUIRE’S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours. 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2% hours. 

WHAT’S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2J4 hours. 

WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 2\i hours. 


M. F. 

6 3 


11 

9 

9 

8 

3 
6 
8 
7 
5 

5 

4 

6 
7 
9 

13 

6 

6 

4 

5 

6 
5 
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6 

3 

4 
6 

10 

5 
4 
4 
3 
3 

6 

3 

4 
6 
4 
4 
9 
4 

3 

4 

3 

4 
3 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours. 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts; 2 hours. 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours ... 5 3 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD’S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2J4 hours. 9 3 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 








































































